he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You ate ashes out of my bong
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