dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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