well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
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There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
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So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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