when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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