Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
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I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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