So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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