Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
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It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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