why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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