I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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