What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
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Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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