saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
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You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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