I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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