Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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