I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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