dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize