this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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