If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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