Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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