I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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