I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
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My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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