I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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