after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
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We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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