Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
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I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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