After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize