My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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