Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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