someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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