There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
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He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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