Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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