So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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