I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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