ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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