WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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