he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
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I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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