i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
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What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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