My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
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koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
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We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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