dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize