so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
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well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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