Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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