You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just want to make out with him forever
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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