i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize