i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she told me i tasted like america
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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