Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
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