I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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