my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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