i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
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No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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