my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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