billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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