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Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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