she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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